A holiday visit is a great time to observe changes in our parents’ lives. Sometimes the changes are good: someone got a hearing aid or they’ve started a new walking routine. Sometimes they’re alarming: the grass is overgrown, furnishings look dusty, spoiled food is in the refrigerator.
When we notice worrisome things, we tend to tell our parents what they should do. Sometimes our advice is not welcome. Our parents may perceive our comments as criticism and close themselves off to productive conversation.
If you think there are immediate health and safety issues, try and open a dialogue with your parents. However, sometimes a more respectful approach will yield better results.
During your visit, make a private list of concerns, but do not address them during your holiday visit. Like most of their generation, aging parents want to appear capable and independent and have difficulty letting us know when they need help.
Once the holidays are over, review your list of concerns with siblings, friends, a social worker or care manager. This may serve as a “reality check” for your own level of concern. Just because our parents have changed the way they live, it does not mean they are incapable of living on their own.
Eventually, discuss your more serious concerns with your parents, not as criticism, but as observations, and propose ways to address their needs.
